Fairly Fresh Jokes - Page 3

A Cowboy's Ten Commandments

(1) Just one God.
(2) Honor yer Ma & Pa.
(3) No tellin' tales or gossipin'.
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin'.
(5) Put nothin' before God.
(6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal.
(7) No killin.'
(8) Watch yer mouth.
(9) Don't take what ain't yers.
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff.
 

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.

Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."

Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."

So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.

Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy.
"It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am now officially the smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and says. "Who is Rosie O'Donnell ?
 

Three Rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower - Cooter, Pete and KC.

As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed
instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Pete says, "Well, damn, someone should
go and tell his wife."

KC says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Pete says, "Where did you get that beer, KC?"

"Cooter's wife gave it to me," KC replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave
you beer?"

Well, not exactly," KC says.

When she answered the door, I said to her, you must be Cooter's widow."

She said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow."

Then I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."

Rednecks are good at that sensitive stuff.
 

A blonde and her father are walking down a street when the father says, ''Look, a dead bird.''

And the blonde looks up and says, ''Where?''
 

The nurse said to the doctor, "There's an invisible man in the waiting room." The doctor replied, "Tell him I can't see him now."
 

"Martin Levine, owner of a movie theater chain in New York City, has passed away at age 65," the newspaper obit read. "The funeral will be held on Thursday at 2:10, 4:20, 6:30, 8:40 and 10:50."
 

Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates. One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, "As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children." St. Peter lets him enter.

The next doctor says, "As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives." St. Peter tells him to go ahead.

The last man says, "I was an HMO manager. I got countless families cost-effective health care."

St. Peter replies, "You may enter. But, you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell."
 

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says.

"That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."
 

China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you’re a one in a million type of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.
 

An old woman is upset at her husband’s funeral. "You have him in a brown suit and I wanted him in a blue suit" The mortician says "We’ll take care of it, ma’am" and yells back ‘"Ed, switch the heads on two and four!"
 

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
 

A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store. The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head. The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange. So, he decides to find out what's going on. The store manager approaches the blind man swinging the dog and says, "Pardon me. May I help you with something." The blind man says, "No thanks. I'm just looking around."
 

The story is told of the Atheist who accosted a preacher. "Do you believe in eternal life?" The preacher has no time to reply. "Well its a load of rubbish!" shouted the Atheist. "I believe in science, evolution, survival of the fittest, and when we die, that's it! No eternal life, no great judgment, and no God!" The Atheist continues his assault against the preacher repetitiously and tirelessly. "Eternal life! Eternal life! Ha! "Its all pie in the sky when you die." When I die that's it, the end, no eternal life, no nothing. He continues, until he reaches his climax, "I will be buried six feet under when I die and that's it! Nothing! Caput! When I die I am utterly convinced that that will be the end of me!" "Well thank God for that" replies the preacher!
 

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! what are 4, 2, 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"
 

A mother is reading a book to her 3 year old daughter. Mother: "What does the cow say?" Child: "Moo!" Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?" Child: "Meow." Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?" The wide-eyed little 3 year-old looks up at her mother and in
her deepest voice replies, "Bud."
 

What did the Zen Buddhist Monk say to the Hotdog Vender?...Make me One with everything.
 

What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovahs Witness?.... Someone who knocks at your door for no apparent reason.
 

God said to Adam, "I am going to make you a helper, a companion. What would you like your companion to be like?" Adam replied, "Well I want someone that is humorous, witty, intelligent, compassionate, caring, loving, trusting, polite, generous and beautiful."

God paused a moment after Adam's wish list and told Adam that a companion like that 'would cost him an arm and a leg.' Adam seemed a little dejected and then brightly replied: "What can I get for a Rib?"
 

Have you heard about the new shampoo for men who are going bald, called "Whats's the Point?"
 

Thought for the Day:  No sense being pessimistic; it probably wouldn't work anyway.
 

Moses and the Burning Bush

Recently while traveling, President Bush encountered an old man with long white beard and wearing a long white robe. Looked just like Moses!

The President said "Hello Moses", rather timidly. But the old man ignored him, staring straight ahead refusing to speak.

A Secret Service man asked him direct, "Are you Moses?"

To which Moses replied, "Yes, but the last time I talked to a Bush I spent forty years wandering in a desert and ended up leading my people to the only place in the Middle East that has no oil."
 

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
 

Talking Dog For Sale

A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger, so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner "how much for the dog?"

"Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff!"
 

THE E-MAIL

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out.

So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good."

God was not pleased. So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good, because He wanted to encourage them. Give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what His E-mail said?

No?*

*

*

I didn't get one either.
 

Punctuation

An English professor wrote the words, "woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
 

Here are some opening lines for a stand up comedian:

1. Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a-salted.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.

7. An invisible man married an invisible woman. Nobody could figure out what they saw in each other. (The kids were nothing to look at either.)
 

Dueling Barbers

A new hair salon opened up for business right across the street from the old established hair cutter's place.

The owners of the new salon put up a big bold sign that read: "WE GIVE SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!"

Not to be outdone, the old Master Barber put up his own sign: "WE FIX SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!"
 

Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known. Enjoy the following quotes:

Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

There are two theories to arguing with a woman... neither works.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.

There are three kinds of men: ones that learn by reading, few who learn by observation, and the rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

Lettin' the cat outta' the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back.

And finally: After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him... The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
 

Thanksgiving Divorce

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.  "Okay" he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

from Rev. John Lovelace

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
 

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?

"el-if-i-no"
 

A French guest who was staying in a hotel in phoned room service for some pepper.

"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.

"Toilette pepper!"
 

G. W. Bush and John Kerry somehow ended up at the same barbershop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Kerry in his chair reached for the aftershave. Kerry was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, my wife Theresa will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse,"

The second barber turned to Bush and said, "How about you?"

Bush replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
 

In a courtroom, a pursesnatcher is on trial and the victim is stating what happened. She says, "Yes, that is him. I saw him clear as day. I'd remember his face anywhere." At which point, the defendant bursts out, "You couldn't see my face, lady. I was wearing a mask!"
 

Stock Market Investment tips for 2007

Get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2006.

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R.Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly Warner Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as: MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
 

A Cajun was stopped by a game warden in South Louisiana recently with two ice chests of fish, leaving a bayou well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"Naw, ma fren, I ain't got none of dem, no. Dese here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Ya. Avery night I take dese here fish down to de bayou and let dem swim 'round for a while. Den I whistle and dey jump rat back inta dis here ice chest and I take dem home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

The Cajun looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's de truth ma' fren. I'll show you. It really works."

"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"

The Cajun poured the fish into the bayou and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" Said the Cajun.

"When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH!"

"What fish?"
 

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked," Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replied, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
 

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me, I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?
 

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00 am."

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed ... it said... "It is 5.00am; wake up."
 

A business man got on an elevator and there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F" (letters only).

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only)."

She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."

The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"

The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."
 

Covered Dish Supper

While working on a lesson in world religions, a kindergarten teacher asked her students to bring something related to their family's faith to class.

At the appropriate time she asked the students to come forward and share with the rest of the students.

The first child said, "I am Muslim and this is my prayer rug."

The second child said, "I am Jewish and this is my Star of David."

The third child said, "I am Catholic and this is my rosary."

The final child said, "I am Southern Baptist and this is my casserole dish."
 

The Devil

One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church.

Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving... seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
 

Shrinks' Problems

While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk.

"People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have no one to go to with our own problems."

"Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear each other out right now?"
They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can."

The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me."

The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."
 

Answering Service At Mental Institute

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line.

If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you."
 

Best Quality

A wife asked her husband: “What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?”

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: “your sense of humor”.
 

Change of Scenery

A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a police officer.

Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role.

"Well," he replied, "the pay isn't great, and the hours can be awful. But I like the fact that the customer is almost always wrong."
 

Keeping Them Straight

A blonde bought two horses and could never remember which was which.

A neighbor suggested that she cut off the tail of one horse, which worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. The second horse's tail tore in the same place and looked exactly like the other horse's tail. Our blonde friend was stuck again.

The neighbor then suggested that she notch the ear of one horse, which worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again, our blonde friend couldn't tell the two horses apart.

The neighbor then suggested that she measure the horses for height. When she did that, the blonde was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black one.
 

Reintarnation:  Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
 

Dog Applicant

A help wanted sign was hung in an office window. It read:

Help wanted.
Must type 70 words a minute.
Must be computer literate.
Must be bilingual.
An equal opportunity employer.

A dog was ambling down the street and saw the sign. He looked at it for a moment, pulled it down with his mouth, and walked into the manager's office, making it clear he wished to apply for the job.

The office manager laughed and said, "I can't hire a dog for this job."

The dog pointed to the line: "An equal opportunity employer."

So the manager said, "OK, take this letter and type it." The dog went off to the word processor and returned a minute later with the finished letter, perfectly formatted.

The manager said, "Alright, here's a problem. Write a computer program for it and run it."

Fifteen minutes later, the dog came back with the correct answer.

The manager still wasn't convinced. "I still can't hire you for this position. You've got to be bilingual."

The dog looked up at the manager and said, "Meow."
 

Good Advice: The smartest advice on raising children is to enjoy them while they are still on your side.
 

The Gates of Heaven

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her -- "Hello" "How are you! We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

"Czechoslovakia."
 

Sanity Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director, "What is the criterion that defines a patient to be institutionalized?"

"Well..." said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, and we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the teacup."

"Nooo!" answered the director. "A normal person would pull the plug."

(You are not required to tell anyone how you would have done on this test.)
 

Making Sure

A blond and her husband were hunting in the woods, when the husband falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The blond whips out her cell phone and calls 911. She gasps to the operator, "I think my husband is dead, what can I do?"

The operator in a calm voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The blond comes back on the line, "OK, now what?
 

What Time Is It?

One of our favorite blondes, Judi, is walking down the street and stops a man to ask for the time.

The man, looking at his watch, helpfully responds, "Why, certainly! The time is now four o'clock."

Judi scratches her head and says, "You know, it's really weird. I've been asking people that question all day long, and each time I get a different answer."
 

No Rip Off Here

The blonde told her friend, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off.

"So I was relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid."
 

Say It With Flowers

A man entered a busy florist shop displaying a large sign in the window that read, "Say It With Flowers."

"Wrap up a rose for me," he told the florist.

"Only one?" the florist asked.

"Just one," the customer replied. "I'm a man of few words."
 

The Cat and the College Student

A cat sits on a bench next to a miserable-looking college student. The young man notices that the cat is looking up at him, so he takes the opportunity to unburden himself of his troubles.

"I've spent every last dime I had saved, maxed out my credit cards and can't get another student loan. I can't pay for school, can't even afford to take a girl out for a drink.

"What can be worse then being young and broke?"

Says the cat, "Try being young and fixed."
 

Yogi

Once, Yogi Berra's wife Carmen asked, "Yogi, you are from St. Louis, we live in New Jersey, and you played ball in New York. If you go before I do, where would you like me to have you buried?"

Yogi replied, "Surprise me."
 

Three Legged Chicken

The man noticed that the chicken had three legs. So he followed the chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs. He asked the farmer, "What's up with these chickens?"

The farmer said "Well, everybody likes chicken legs, so I bred a three-legged bird. I'm going to be a millionaire."

The man asked him how they tasted.

The farmer said, "Don't know, haven't caught one yet."
 

In the Beginning, God created broccoli...

In The Beginning, God created the Heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, And darkness was upon the face of the deep.

And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

And so God created Man in His own image; male and female He created them. And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit. And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. And so the Devil created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the Big Mac. And the Devil said to Man, "You want fries with that?" And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained five pounds.

And so God created the healthful celery and carrots, that Woman might keep her figure. But the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained five pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad." And the Devil brought forth his Devil's Food Cake. And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, "Why doth thou eatest thus? I have sent thee heart- healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them." But the Devil brought forth chicken fried steak and barbeque brisket. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And so God brought forth the fruit of the Earth, citrus and melons, berries and grapes, peaches and plums. And Man was thankful as he resolved to lose those extra pounds. And the Devil brought forth cable TV and remote control, TV trays and TV dinners, recliners and couches. And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And so God brought forth the potato, A vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And the Devil quickly created tater tots, deep fried in fat, then added biscuits and gravy, macaroni and cheese, milkshakes and cheesecake.. And Man gave into temptation and gorged himself on the Devil's deception. Man clutched his remote control and fell into cholesterol quicksand. And the Devil saw this and said, "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest. And yet God forgave him still, and went forth and created Quadruple bypass surgery. And the Devil had but one alternative, he canceled Man's health insurance.

So God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken and cook it with the nourishing whole grain brown rice. And Devil created KFC to go. Woman went

And the Devil created light beer so Man could poison his body, while still feeling righteous. And Man gained another 10 pounds.

And Woman ventured forth Into the land of Godiva chocolate, M&M's and Ding Dongs and upon returning asked Man, "Do I look fat?" And the Devil said to Man, "Always tell the truth." And Man did.

And Woman went out in haste from the presence of Man into the wilderness and dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, East of Eden, forsaking the marriage counselor in favor of her vanity.

And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

And God said unto Man, "Don't make me come down there! Go forth from Eden into the wilderness and grovel unto Woman. If she forgives you, so will I. And, take some of these apples with you."

And the Devil said, "Damn it, I forgot about that forbidden fruit thing. Oh well, I've still got the divorce lawyer."