Fairly Fresh Jokes - Page 4

Where Are We?

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the correct pronunciation of the town's name.

They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"

The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."
 

Honor Thy Brother

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait."

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus."
 

All Smiles

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.

"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand dollars on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought he was having his picture taken."
 

State of the Art

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect!"

"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."
 

Lawn Mower

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.

"I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle," said the little boy. After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"

The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and after riding the bike around a little while said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."

The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. He pulled on the string a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."

The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started." The preacher said, "I am a minister, and I cannot cuss. It has been so long since I have been saved that I do not even remember how to cuss."

The little boy looked at him happily and said, "Just keep pulling on that string. It'll come back to ya!"
 

You might be a Redneck if. . .

You've ever been too drunk to fish.

You've never been too drunk to drive.

In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?"

Your tattoo of "Lynard Skynard" is misspelled, but no one's told you yet.

All of your four-letter words are two syllables.

Your flashlight holds more than four "D" batteries.

Taking your wife on a cruise requires three tire tubes - one for you, one for her and one for the ice chest.

You've ever made change in the offering plate.

You consider a 12-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.

You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

Your entire family sat around until midnight waiting for a call from the Governor.

Your date wore a tube top to a wedding.

You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

Painting the Town starts with a can of aerosol spray paint and a paper bag.

Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.

the game warden has a video tape of you shooting that big plastic deer standing by the highway.

You're a self taught taxidermist. Your best creation: a deer head fitted with coyote fangs and a permanent grin.

Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand that's insured.

You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter.

The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road just past them cement ponds."

Your family tree doesn't fork.

Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.

The local funeral home has a neon light in the window.

You always stop for a dead deer in the road.

Your dress shirt has your first name on it.

Your favorite shirt was free with a pack of cigarettes.

Your bathtub doubles as a beer cooler, most of the time.

You break into tears every time you hear "Okie From Muskogee".

Your most prized possession is an autographed picture of Junior from Hee-Haw.

You never told anyone that your favorite band is AC-DC, for fear of getting a new nickname.

NASCAR just ain't the same since they built all those guardrails.
 

The Parrot Chills Out

A woman buys a talking parrot at the store. When she brings it home it yells and curses continuously so she covers his cage but he still won't stop cursing. She tries everything but to no avail! Finally, she decides to put the parrot in the freezer. A few minutes after she puts him inside the freezer the parrot cries out that he will be good if she will let him out. So she takes him out of the freezer and the parrot politely asks the woman, "I've just got to know, what did that chicken do?"
 

Lot's Wife

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt."

His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"
 

One Sunday Morning

One Sunday morning, the priest noticed Little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the priest walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Little Johnny."

"Good morning, Father," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Father Scott, what is this?" Little Johnny asked. "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little Johnny's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"
 

MEMO

To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Sick Leave Notification

We will no longer accepted a doctor's statement as proof of sickness.
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work!
 

Bush Backer

I went to the store the other day. I was only in the store for about 5 minutes, but when I came out, I saw a city cop writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a senior a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a name. He glared at me, and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So I called him a worse name. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote.

I didn't care. After the first ticket, I realized my car was parked one more row over, and this car had an "Elect John Kerry" bumper sticker on it.
 

Beethoven's Ninth

One night, a well-known orchestra was playing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. One bass player said to the other, "We don't have much to do for a while, so let's go to the bar next door. To give us some extra time, I tied the last pages of the music together, so the conductor will have to untie them when he gets near the end." They sneaked out and had a few drinks together, becoming increasingly drunk. Then they staggered back into the auditorium just in time for the finish.

The next day, when asked how the concert went, the conductor replied, "Pretty boring, but it picked up at the end of the Ninth when the score was tied and the bassists were loaded."
 

Little Girl's Blessing

My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six year old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said.

Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people here?
 

Doctor Doctor

The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.

"Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. "You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. No, it's actually worse than that. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there -- if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?"

The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tones, "Pay me in advance."
 

Role Model Dogs

There are many things we can learn from a Dog. Here are some of the top ones:

* Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.

* Allow the experience of fresh air and wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

* When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

* When it's in your best interest, always practice obedience.

* Let others know when they've invaded your territory.

* Take naps and always stretch before rising.

* Run, romp, and play daily.

* Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.

* Be loyal.

* Never pretend to be something you're not.

* If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

* When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

* Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

* Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

* Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

* On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

* When you are happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

* No matter how often you are criticized, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout. Run right back and make friends.
 

Walking Home

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.

"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.

"I'm going to a lecture." The man said.

"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.

"My wife," said the man.
 

Heaven Can Wait

A man trying to understand the nature of God asked him: “God, how long is a million years to you?”

God answered: “A million years is like a minute.”

Then the man asked: “God, how much is a million dollars to you?”

And God replied: “A million dollars is like a penny.”

Finally, the man asked: “God, could you give me a penny?”

And God said, "In a minute.”
 

Toothbrush

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush.

He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago."
 

FBI Agent Denied Pizza Delivery

In 1993 FBI agents conducted a raid of Southwood psychiatric hospital in San Diego, which was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing medical records, the agents had worked up an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.

According to snopes.com, a site dedicated to sleuthing out urban legends, the following telephone conversation actually took place.

Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.

Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?

Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.

Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.

Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?

Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.

Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?

Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?

Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.

Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?

Agent: I have my checkbook right here.

Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.

Pizza Man: I don't think so.

** Click **
 

They Don't Tell Me Anything

A sweet grandmother telephoned Mount Sinai Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said "I'll be glad to help, Dear. What's the name and room number?"

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Holly Finkel in room 302."

The Operator replied, "Let me check. Oh, good news. Her records say that Holly is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."

The Grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Holly your daughter?"

The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Holly Finkel in 302. Dr. Cohen doesn't tell me anything!"
 

Marriage Seminar

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Jim and his wife listened to the instructor declare: "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the men: "For instance, gentlemen, can you name your wife's favorite flower?"

Jim leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"
 

Nothing Up His Sleeve

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all.

One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days. After a week the parrot finally said: "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the boat?"
 

Dear John Letter

A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love,
Becky

The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins, etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope, along with this note.

Dear Becky,

I'm sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile and send the rest back to me.

Love,
Ricky
 

Clueless Passenger

As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the co-pilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.

"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."

From the cabin, a passenger was heard to exclaim, "Wow! It just missed the highway!"
 

ACTUAL Classified Ads taken out of newspapers

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG.

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 COCKER SPANIEL
1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG

FREE PUPPIES... PART GERMAN SHEPHERD, PART STUPID DOG

GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.

FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT...BEEN OUT AWHILE. BETTER BE REWARD.

COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED...
ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.

FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR. WARRANTY.
LIKE NEW. SLIGHT SMELL.

HUMMERS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER -
"IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"

GEORGIA PEACHES, CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.

TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR?
WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS.
STARTING PAY: $7 -- $9 PER HOUR.
 

Weird Facts

The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.

Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.

The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung cancer.

Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.

Betsy Ross is the only real person to ever have been the head on a Pez dispenser.

The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929; "7" was selected because the original containers were 7 ounces. "UP" indicated the direction of the bubbles.

No standard 8 1/2 x 11 piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.

One in every four Americans has appeared on television.

Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.

A Boeing 747's wingspan is longer than the Wright brothers' first flight.

The albatross drinks sea water. It has a special desalinization apparatus that strains out and excretes all excess salt.

In Clarendon, Texas, there is reportedly a law on the books that lawyers must accept eggs, chickens, or other produce, as well as money, as payment of legal fees.

Cats purr at 26 cycles per second, the same as an idling diesel engine.

A dragonfly flaps its wings 20 to 40 times a second, bees and houseflies 200 times, some mosquitoes 600 times, and a tiny gnat 1,000 times.

Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used.

Blueberry Jelly Bellies were created especially for Ronald Reagan.

All porcupines float in water.

Non-dairy creamer is flammable.
 

Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"

Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"

Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
 

Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.

She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
 

New Girl in Church

Gladys Dunn was new in town and decided to visit the church nearest to her new apartment.

She appreciated the pretty sanctuary and the music by the choir, but the sermon went on and on. Worse, it wasn't very interesting. Glancing around, she saw many in the congregation nodding off.

Finally it was over. After the service, she turned to a still sleepy-looking gentleman next to her, extended her hand and said, "I'm Gladys Dunn."

He replied, "You and me both!"
 

Run of Good Luck

A couple months ago, I entered a contest and ended up winning a few acres of swamp land below the flood plane in Mississippi. Before I knew it, right after that I won a $250,000 house, so naturally I built it on my new land. Last week, I won enough money in the lottery to quit my job and move down there for good. And just last night, as I sat on my new porch watching the rain and listening to the thunder, it all started to sink in.
 

Wedding Ring

My friend was married yesterday. I heard him tell his bride that his ring was so tight it was cutting off his circulation. She replied, "That's what it is supposed to do."
 

Good And Great Friends

A good friend will bail you out of jail.

A great friend will be in the cell next to you saying, "Damn, that was fun!"
 

Immortality

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I've never done either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, camping out, hunting, fishing, or rock climbing ?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?"

"No," I said. "I've never done any of those things."

The Doctor looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a damn if you live to be 80?"
 

Picture This

The first grade class gathered around the teacher for a game of "Guess the Animal". The first picture the teacher held up was of a cat. "Okay, boys and girls," she said brightly, "can anyone tell me what this is?"

"I know, I know, it's a cat!" yelled a little boy.

"Very good, Eddie. Now, who knows what this animal is called?"

"That's a dog!" piped up the same little boy.

"Right, again. And what about this animal?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer with antlers.

Silence fell over the class. After a minute or two, the teacher said, "Okay, I'll give you a hint, children...it's something you're mother calls your father".

"I know, I know," screamed Eddie. "It's a horny bastard!"
 

Cheek To Buttocks

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before!

All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
 

Lottery

A guy gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and says, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!".

The wife says, "Wow! That's great! I'm so happy! Should I pack for the ocean, or should I pack for the mountains?"

He says, "I don't care. Just get the hell out!"
 

Church Test

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the final couple was newlywed.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.

''Can of PAINT?'' exclaimed the minister. ''Yeah,'' said the newlywed man. ''She dropped the can of paint and when she bent over to pick it up I just couldn't resist. Lust took over.''

The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.

''That's weird,'' said the newlywed man. ''We're not welcome in Home Depot either.''
 

Blonde Phone Call

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to your other ear?"

"The jerk called back!"
 

Blonde In Trouble

A blonde, brunette and a redhead run to the top of a burning building. Below, a few firefighters are holding a blanket telling the redhead to jump.

When the redhead jumps the firefighters snatch the blanket away and she hits the concrete.

When the firefighters ask the brunette to jump she jumps and again they pull the blanket away.

When the firefighters ask the blonde to jump she replies, "I don't trust you, so just put the blanket down and back away."
 

Dog Tricks

A man walked into a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog knew how to play poker amazingly well.

"Wow, that's got to be the smartest dog I've ever seen!" the man commented.

"He's not so smart," said one of the players. "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."
 

Legal business card: Dewey, Cheatham, & Howe - Attorneys at Law
 

the verdict is...

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his annual vacations at this country inn. The last time he finally had an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. So, of course, he went back for this year's vacation

He walked into the lobby and there sat his lover with an infant on her lap! The baby looked just like the young lawyer.

"Helen, why didn't you let me know you were pregnant?" the lawyer cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition and who the father was, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
 

Express Checkout

It was a Saturday afternoon, and Ray had rushed down to the local supermarket to hurriedly pick up some hamburger buns, chips and dip. The big college game was going to be on, so he was having a few friends over to watch it.

The store was loaded with shoppers and as he headed for the six item express lane, the only one that didn't have a long line, a woman completely ignoring the overhead sign slipped into the check-out line just in front of him pushing a cart piled high with groceries.

Ray was quietly fuming at the anticipated delay. But the elderly cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked ever so sweetly, "So Dearie, which six items would you like to buy?"
 

Doctor Doctor

My wife was in labor with our first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! CAN'T!"

"Doctor, what's wrong with my wife!" I cried. "It's perfectly normal," he reassured me, "She's just having her contractions."