Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
LEGO has announced that they are shutting down their U.S. factory and moving it to Canada. LEGO employees say it's their fault because they made the factory too easy to take apart and rebuild somewhere else.
Garbage men come at 5 a.m. Why? They're picking up garbage. It's not going to go bad again.
How many people have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.
I'm on the diet where you eat vegetables and drink wine. That's a good diet. I lost 10 pounds and my driver's license.
Larry the Cable Guy
Did you know that babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt?
Have you seen the deer heads on the walls of bars, the ones wearing party hats, sunglasses and streamers? I feel sorry for them because obviously they were at a party having a good time...
Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.
You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometime, you might find, you get what you need.
Mick Jagger, Keith Richards
My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.
“A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.”
H. L. Menken
“I just had my visa card stolen. Now it’s everywhere I want to be.”
“I’ve been on a calendar - but I’ve never been on time!
“Deep down, I’m pretty superficial.”
“I used to be Snow White but I drifted.”
“I have my standards. They may be low, but I have them.”
“The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.”
Have you ever noticed that anyone going slower than you is an idiot and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
I constantly walk into a room and I don't remember why. But for some reason, I think there's going to be a clue in the fridge.
I went into McDonald's yesterday and said, I'd like some fries. The girl as the counter said, Would you like fries with that?
You know, marriage is making a big comeback. I know personally that in Hollywood people are marrying people they never married before.
I tried to walk into Target, but I missed
First secure an independent income, then practice virtue.